what the hell...

Well at this moment I am sitting in the bleachers at layton high(go blue) wondering just that... What the hell? I need something to write my thoughts on or in and at this moment my blackberry will have to do. I arrived home from jamaica last night so I should be on cloud 9 right? The total opposite, I woke up in my bed and disappointed to be there. I have totally vacation anxiety I guess. What I wouldn't give to be there right now watching the sunset on the white beach drinking a pina colada. Now that I am home and my heart hurts for more than one reason I have to ask this question which hopefully someone can give me some insight on... What does the heart want? Are we all the person that wants what we can't have? Or is the statement you don't know what you have until you have lost the full truth? Is that as we get older we truly have to search into our hearts and find which side we fall on? Find out if we really know what it is that we want? The future is one of those things that we are not suppose to know otherwise it would ruin the journey and I sometimes beg to differ. You can find out the sex of your baby, why can't someone sit and tell me what my future husbands name is or when I will meet him? I feel like knowing would ease so much pain cause I would not miss that journey. Does anyone agree? Is the pain worth the glory of it in the end? I am at this moment all over the place. I am not even sure if this makes any sense. I do wish that we could get back the days where our concerns were only of not studying for a math test and people telling you to enjoy the joys of being young because, even though our parents said it, like does get harder you do experience pain and regret and heart ache and disappointmnet so much more. I can think of one time in jr. High when my eyes were this swollen and it was so devastating and now it seems so small, I would almost take that moment back for this, that heart ache for this heart ache. Heart ache is always there it just only magnafies which scares me cause I can't imagine what would be worse than this. The jamacians have a way of life that is so different from ours, everuting is aright mon. They say irie all the time which means just that, they feel good its all good and that is hopefully going to be my savior at this moment, knowing that everyting is going to be alright, its going to be irie.... I hope.